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I don’t think I’ll ever get used to people saying “What do you do?” as in “What is your job?”

I always think they’re talking about what I do in my free time which is the exact opposite of what they mean

I swear to god one time my friend asked “What are you doing?” and I said “Standing”

In my dreams I always have a goal I’m trying to achieve that I don’t remember when I wake up. Like last night I crashed a van full of guns into a creek and then I went to McDonald’s and there was a line of reasoning that connected those two events but I have no idea what it was.

I wonder how far back in time you would have to go before “Jimmy Smallwood” wasn’t a funny name

Found out if I stay late at work hot girls will serve me booze and call me handsome

failbag:

duskball:

lame-waves:

i guess i recorded an ice bucket challenge today after i got my wisdom teeth out ??

Holy fuxki shit

oh my goD

People who talk about selfies like taking one is a revolutionary act of body positivity

It’s a picture of yourself

postracialcomments:

CNN’s Jake Tapper Telling the Truth about Ferguson

I’m telling you man people can only get tear gassed and shot at so many times before they start bringing their own weapons and then you’re not gonna be acting so tough

The lack of foresight here is astounding

Surgeons replace one of your neurons with a microchip that duplicates its input-output functions. You feel and behave exactly as before. Then they replace a second one, and a third one, and so on, until more and more of your brain becomes silicon. Since each microchip does exactly what the neuron did, your behavior and memory never change. Do you even notice the difference? Does it feel like dying? Is some other conscious entity moving in with you?
Steven Pinker

Sure they’ll release security footage of Brown’s alleged robbery but they still won’t tell you how many times Brown was shot

Misdirection, anyone?